Long distance relationships: how to make it work for you

by Fathmath Ibrahim (Iko)* It's Friday night and you're waiting by the phone. The phone calls, emails and letters have become the significant other in your life now. It's called the long distance relationship. Long distance relationships are tough. Horrific phone costs, obsessions with inboxes, bursts of jealousy combined with feelings of loss and abandonment add challenges to the crazy thing called love. But, distance can also offer a positive alternative. Distance gives you time and space. You can focus on your own life without some of the self-absorption of always being together. You independently develop a life which helps you to learn who you are, not whose girlfriend or whose boyfriend you may be. Long distance relationships also makes you more creative. Partners get to spend more quality time when they are together, they may meet at adventurous half-way points, indulge in romantic letter writing and learn more about each other's cities and friends. Distance cannot, and will not hurt a bond between two people that is based on mutual respect, trust, commitment, and love. So the ingredients for a successful long distance relationship are: COMMUNICATION The first key to success with long distance relationships is effective communication. Communication means talking about what's going on in your life, and how you're feeling about things. Keeping in touch is important, but it doesn't necessarily have to be expensive. You can talk on the phone about twice a month and alternate between who shares the cost. Leave short messages on the phone and play them over and over again. Email and SMS is another fast and cheap alternative. Sending recorded tapes of each other's voices and stories is another fun thing to do. TRUST In order to pull off a long distance relationship, you need to have a lot of trust in your partner. If you don't, you may end up wasting a lot of time wondering where they are and who they're with. Ensure your partner that the other person's social life will not be a threat to the relationship. Constant reassurance of your love for each other and sharing even the tiniest threats and weaknesses will help. INDEPENDENCE AND RESPECT Distance involves a new life away from each other. You should respect the existence and time devoted to this new life by your partner and value their hard work. A new life doesn't mean you don't care about your partner anymore; it means you're are still a valuable person when they aren't around. Respect your partner's decision to live a life which doesn't revolve solely around you. Independence is also very important. With an appropriate balance of independence and dependence, each person is allowed, and encouraged, to grow and change as an individual. It is, therefore, wise not to expect that your partner or yourself will always stay exactly the same as when the relationship started. HONESTY Be honest about how you feel about your relationship, and what's going on in your life. If your studies or job are keeping you busy, or if you're sick, tell you partner - it's easier to understand why you haven't e-mailed in a while, or why you seem cranky/moody. Don't forget to tell them about the good things happening in your life as well as the bad ones! In the unfortunate case you decide that the relationship isn't working - don't just leave the other person in the dark, be honest with them. This doesn't mean being rude or thoughtless. Try to avoid telling them before major exams, or during final. And don't break up via email or SMS. Talk to each other openly and come to a mutual decision. Whatever your situation, remember the old adage: "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." So keep your chin up and try to have a good time together or apart. Good luck! [*Iko is a psychologist working with the Narcotics Control Board (NCB). If you have any questions or concerns about drug abuse and related social or personal issues, please contact her at: ask@newmail.com]